It is goimg to be a long haul. I don't remember when exactly I started internalizing my feelings....the exact date I mean....I do not recall this. What I remember about my-younger-self as is that I was Always vocal about anything and everything.
And to a much greater surprise my audience was always 02 people. Dadi and Abbu.
They'd listen to me. Respond accordingly. Albeit laughing but always gave an answer to my questions or made me re-structure my thoughts or always added an angle to my judgements....the 3D angle. I have lost myself bit by bit over the last few yrs. I have stopped remembering my likes and dislikes and I get pleasantly surprised when someone remembers my preferences (and those are few, very few people as well).
The thing with sharing is that you want people to listen to you and perceive things with same intensity and frequency as you first perceive them in your own mind. And this is a rare phenomena. Alot of times people will misread you, judge you for your ideas or make a mole out of nothing. So what do you do then? You start retreating. You start blocking your thought process. You start forgetting things. You start forgetting about things which makes you happy. I am currently in the same phase.
I get pleasantly surprised when I recall something about me. And this has made me re visit an area of my pre frontal cortex and hippocampus.
What if I write about the things which I will never say. What will I write then.
So here goes:
1. The hurt. All the things which have hurt me. Like deeply. Hurt my bones, knuckles, soul. Aunty S once said: Oh this is the daughter on whose birth I called to regret.
(On the contrary, this sentence made me love my Daadi like never before)
Or when someone treated you like trash and no one stood up for it despite knowing you need the back.
2. When someone accused you of having malicious intentions ....when you never had any.
3. When you read the mean text about yourself a night before your exam. And it hit you like rock hitting at your achilles heel. And you never did anything wrong in the first place. No matter how much you let it pass. It stays with you. The meanness always stay with you.
4. When you were treated like an enemy for being completely docile. Just because the world doesn't believe in magic of goodness anymore.
5. When the world decides to give you a taste of nasty-ness as a response to a simple request which could help you in myriad ways.
6. How hurt one can be when all efforts go in vain.
7. How distorted you can feel when nothing gives you happiness or sense of achievement anymore.
8. How you respond when you realize that Plan A, Plan B failed. Plan C cannot be executed and Plan D was never meant to be set in motion. And you are re-routing for a plan E knowing there is no Plan F.
9. Words don't come easily. You have to surpass certain levels of uneasiness and extreme discomfort for the feelings to come to you which will eventually flow out through your pen/keyboard.
......to be continued as life goes on and so is my level of hurt.
