Life of a Phoenix

 Q: Why do I have skin lax on my face?

Ans: Because I live a life of a phoenix.

I die everyday. Death is gifted to me by people who surround me and people who love me.

I didn't choose this life. 

I will never again choose this life.

I will never choose the same set of people I have met in this life.

My skin can never recover from scars and stress I have endured.

I was focused on survival. 

My life is a gift in itself. A wrapped wrinkled gift.

Dreams are made of whatever you're lacking in life

 

I don't think we wish for things we really dream of. We wish for things we are deprived of or want back in life. That is what makes us crazy and go gaga about stuff.

While I was reading "Tuesdays with Morris" I wondered that how fantastic the idea was. I wondered how to execute such an obscure wish of mine and how to go about it.

Little did I know I will regret everything from the past 05/06yrs for all the wrong reasons.

I regret not recording Abbu's conversations with our trip to Banni. I regret not saying enough. I regret not journalling back then. I regret not photographing him enough. I regret not hugging him enough.

I dream of having a dream rendezvous with my father dearest repeatedly. I want to have endless conversations with him only. I miss the wit and I miss the sarcasm. I miss everything about you Abbu. To the point that it gets difficult to breathe.

To the wishful thinking!

To anything which makes dream true!

Forever and beyond.....

Xoxo

Asif ki beti

I might be okay but I am not fine at all

 

Abbu!

Every day is a struggle if I tell you the truth. 

You are not visiting me often.....I can't breathe. I miss you every second of every day. There are things....things which I need to tell you, discuss with you.

I miss your wit, your sarcasm.....your everything. The very end of bohri bazar, Haji shah dargah takes me back in time and I long for your company. People are weird. I wondered how you survived. You didn't tell me any of it....except for the very lil part during last yr.

One thing which keeps me going is that ALLAH gave me You as a father and I enjoyed every bit of it. I wish we meet sooner and in happier times. I am paralyzed by the time. Can't wake up in morning only to not find you and come back later from work only to stop myself from running to your room.

I don't watch funny reels on Instagram now. I can't share with you now so I have stopped watching also. 

Miss you abba!

More than what you can imagine.

Never knew that breathing is a struggle other than Asthma....but even that was short lived for me.

Sept 11, 2024. Wednesday.

Heaviest good bye 8 July2024

 

Abbu......

It will be heaviest and hardest moving On exercise I will undertake this July.

I can't breathe. 

It seems as if the core of people have no mercy.....you told me that already I know I knowwwww

I am taking axe to all the mended fences Abba. 

Why? Well because Fuck it if I don't have you nothing else makes sense now.

The altruism, good moral character, courtesy is all I don't care about now. Will exercise for you only BUT the sense of everything is lost.

2 plus 2 is not 4 anymore. 

Asif - Choti s version

 

Abbu,

I am going in the bathroom you used to go.... pacing.... trying to see any glimpse of you....trying to smell your fragrance....

I was scared to loose you ever. And I did loose you Abba!

You know what Abba, I just realized that you were not same post 1997/1998. Like I have seen 02 very different versions of you. I remember I sat down in car and I told I have learnt spelling of "Cat" veryyyyy proudly.... and you "hmm-ed" your usual hmm. With eyes wide open and a slight twinkle. 

What is it? You asked.

See-ay-tee (C....A....T) I replied fully turned towards you. And you said, "hona toh kay ay tee chahye C se cat kaise hogai"

I said, Cake b toh hai.....you replied "wo b ghalat hai". And then you paused waited for my answer. I never had any. 

You were expecting something funny.....I regret I didn't say anything funny that hot summer day, as we drove past cantonment gravyard on downward hill road. I am regretting it Abu. I should have talked more.I m feeking thirsty now.

Feelings and desires have a strange thirst, it keeps pinching you in gut and doesn't go away....no matter what you do.

I am amazed when people tell me that Asif didn't use to talk much. I want to tell them about all the talks we had. You told me not to tell stuff....so I am quiet. See! I can keep stuff to myself. Please come back for once and see that I can do that.

It is hard to wake up thinking that you are not here. Even harder to think that you ll never be. 

Abbu you have taken away a part of me. How long a person can live with half a heart?

Asif ki beti

Asif ki chhoti

Xoxo forever.

The day world lost it's gravity

 13 June 2024

 Thursday (Early morning)

I am calling you abbu and you're not picking up .....my worst nightmare is Live now.

Whose leftover I will eat now? What do you think....Who will I give my daily update to. Who will I have endless Misc conversations with. 

What will happen to our heart to heart rendezvous.

We have been through stuff together and I was still ready to hold on to you....why'd you had to leave? You were ready to go perhaps and I wasn't ready to let go off of you.

I don't know about others but the core of my being is gone. 

I am still following you around.

You said, "People will say stuff But you will do what I say". And I agreed to it Abu. Why'd you leave then? It looked as if you wanted to go and that kills me. I tried my level best to not interrupt you ever.

We were A-team. The best team. The go-getters. The fun ones. 

You were the best father.....you still are. A gentleman in a world full of Men. There is a tangent to our equation no-one will ever understand. I have heard Greek stories abu depicting what we were going through. Your piko misses you Abbu. I miss Calls/Messages. 

Feelings Unlimited (02)

 Well part 01 was never published so..... here we go.

What do we associate with events in earlier part of our lives becomes totally different as we grow older. 

Connotations as I call them.

Funerals for example, become a place of meet ups, catch ups. It is strange, as a child funeral is something which scares you. You try and avoid it all costs. They have, sadly, become the new norm. You see people smiling out of joy, for the sake of long lost relationship that you had with somebody....and for some odd reasons you couldn't keep up with and them BAM you all meet at a funeral. For a second your totally forget why you're there (wherever you are geographically) and reminisce the old utopian feeling. 

You travel back in time and you cherish the very life you once had......at someone's funeral (i.e. end of life).

Also, sometimes you walk back into an old house after ages and your body feels Exactly as it felt in 1990 s or early 2000 s.....i.e. the last time you set your foot into that place at much happier times. You notice that everything has changed and this confuses you even more.

It is very likely that at death of someone you start missing someone else. Feelings, I tell you are funny things.

One also sees that there are so many people who are connected to you with an invisible string. How? 

Well....

You all have been somewhere at exactly the same time periods in your lives without ever crossing paths. In different eras. In different time zones. In different circumstances. 

You start becoming humanized. You start knowing who was your circle, square or your triangle initially. 

You also witness the outgrowth of each other from eachother s lives.

You witness the grand picture in the past and the future ....all in one frame.

It is strange. Events feel different at different ages.

Love Letters (#04)

 Hi again,

Dada! I needed to ask something....

What did you do when the world moved on and you remained stuck? How did you got up in the morning and how did you manage to keep yourself sane through it all?

Did you eat a lot? Did you use sleeping as your defense mechanism like me? Did you panic? Who did you go to, who did you write letters to? Who was one person that stood by you? Who was your confidante because there aren’t many as I know it.

Is it okay and normal to wake up one morning and not wanting to face the world or going to sleep wishing it never ends??? Or am I sounding depressing to you?

Oh how I wish I knew you better and how I long for your company only GOD knows it.

Work is not great. I want to resign. Just like you. A dumbhead is being made my boss and I don’t like the hostility of the place I work. I want to excel but there’s no road ahead. My life is on a bumpy ride. All haywire. I am confused beyond words could even explain.

I need a constant. A person like you.

Miss you.

Love letters (#05)

 6 Jan 2022

Dada! I failed.

I can't process what happened. But I failed. What should I do?

I often think about ppl ending lives, accidents and ways of getting rid of this nonsensical life.

When you failed an exam, how did you cope with it? I mean not the trauma but the self-blame. How did you stop doing it? I feel like I need an addiction. Smoking may be. But I am asthmatic. I need an addiction. Just to distract myself.

And the people! I am done with them too. World is cruel bhaie! You must've noticed it. You were sharp enough. You knew ppl too. I just need the courage of breaking the man-made bonds and the societal pressures. I need to do what you did while leaving the job and creating your own little empire. Everything you liked. Anything you felt was important and needed. And the way you did it ever so unapologetically.

I need just one hug from you. Why? Because I need your energy. Only you had it. 

"The infective positive"

The way you rose by lifting others. I want That. But first I need energy of yours. I hope there was some way it could transcend to me. I desperately need a cup of tea with you. We need to talk! I need to listen more....to you.

People might find these letters weird but these are all I need right now. You didn't left behind anyone like you. I see glimpses of you in abbu. But I need the pure, sheer, raw "Samdani genes" RN. The Samdani narrative of things. Your version. And you know what exactly I mean by that. Breaking bonds and doing what's on one's mind. Our intuitions are strong. We both have one thing in common. We see things in 3D. Not the black, not the white, not the grey. You and I. We follow gut. We go about 180 degrees to change things to 360°.

Love Letters (#02)

 How to be alive?

22 November 2021

Hyderabad

Hello again,

I know I m bothering you a lot but….who cares 😍☺️. I wanna know one thing. It’s bothering me since morning. How are you so alive? I mean even in death you have such strong presence. No, No! And No, I am not joking. Not at all. There are people, very few of them but there Are people who are still moved by you. The respect which is transcending through generations makes me wonder; what did you actually do to have larger than life imprint on people’s mind some 40 yrs later!

I am amazed truly. People can’t stop talking about you. People can’t stop to be thrilled about you. Even after 04 decades. The males, the females, your nieces and nephews and anyone who’s life you touched. They all talk so ecstatically about you. They’re all in a faze till today.

They talk about your charisma. They tell me about the personality you had. They mention you were good looking and kindhearted. They tell me about the I.Q, E.Q and social intelligence you had. You knew people inside out. You were out there for everybody. You emanated kindness like a reflex action of some sort.

I look so hard in people who share your genes to get a trace of you but none matches the charisma of that magnitude. You appear to me as a character of Greek mythology who was one of his kind.

My question remains; what did you actually do?

Love Letter 7: Where do broken hearts go!

 

Dada!

Lahore made you in some way. 

Lahore tends to be nicer to me too. The world is proving to be a bitter place now. What did you do in such scenarios? 

Where did you go? Where did you hangout? 

What did you DO exactly when humans made you suffer? Made you loose hope in humanity?

I am sad today. People say I am turning negative and bitter. 

Kya karon? 

Kahan jaon? Lahore?

Where does a broken heart go? Any ideas...

Just tell me how to stay firm on my feet on the ground. How?

How not to look at people whom you have helped immensely and they have caused massive heart breaks, soul breaks and cracks in our emotional stability ? Unka kia karna hai ab?

I have a strong urge to go to Bassi, your native gaon on the other side and look around. To go to Narnol and see your workplace or it's whereabouts. I need to connect to You. My journey is much like yours. I can't explain but can transmit the feelings may be somehow if we were to meet. AND That! Is never going to happen. I wish to talk to you just in dream if that's possible. It will be one whooping big/ tremendous exchange of energies. 

Trust me on this one. 

I think about you alot.

Asif ki beti.....