Alot of Firsts and the String Theory

 

My last thought of Ramzan 2025 March 30, 2025....

I should have chosen Physics as a subject.

My first thought on Eid ul Fitr (Monday/31 March 2025)....

So, this is a first without Abbu and this is how it will always be. 

There are alot of firsts coming my way. And honestly I hate them. I long for the presence of my dad and the bubble which engulfed me for most part of my life. I miss the fun replies.....the most unexpected ones from abba. I miss his smell. I miss the aura he had. I miss the food that he used to leave in his plate for me, I am forgetting to have dinners now. Why? ...Simple reason being: abba used to leave something in his plate for me and I would have that later as my dinner ...IDK how he figured that out cuz both of us rarely sat down together and had meals. Even in hospital when they were prepping him for GA he left half the sandwich and pointed towards it; "ye kha lo" and I went like, 

"Abbbbuuuuuu haddd hgai! Eat it!"

Now I have a similar stiffness in my neck and its not going away. I find myself lost all the time. Grief comes in waves I suppose. On some days you are fine then there are other days when you are drowning & there's a deep pit. It feels like you are falling down and there is no gravity. Even if it breaks your bones: you still crave for the gravity.

I feel like he still gets happy when I visit him and turns to others telling them in the most peculiar way of his, "ye meri beti hai.....choti" as he would struggle to remember my name or atleast pretended to.....

I understand the invisible String theory better than ever now. We were meant to criss cross eachother abba till we had what we had. I was told my affection for you is akin to a greek mythology and I get it now. I can see myself revolving around you.

 I feel like 

1) life has no shade now

2) there is no gravity on Earth

3) the background of my life's stage is gone

The funniest part is Abbu that you used to call me Beti and not a Beta once....and treated me like a royalty....I loved being your simba. I never could see the dying of Mufasa in the Lion King and I would cry endlessly. 

I feel like Simba now Abba. I feel like I failed you that night and the nights before. 

This guilt is not going anywhere anytime soon. Heart gets heavy and the life seems unbearable for now. I wish we don't loose connection. I regret saying the thing I said to Sarah and I take it back. 

I hope this desperate writing reaches you because my writings were once what you approved of. And see....for most part I haven't used any slangs.

I told you in Kindergarten, "You'll forget to pick me from school". Ap mjhe bhool jayein gay

And he'd say that, " No, I can't".

You told me "They're sending me to ICU...baat sunn....I ll be alone there"

I replied: "No, you won't be"

......I am still here Abba. In Hyd. On the roads you travelled. Meet me. For I will always be waiting for you.

I don't feel myself as myself lately. I miss you Abbu.

Your choti.....forever.

Wisconsin, Venn Diagram and the Silent Cheerleader

 04 October 2024

 Friday

This is exactly why I am afraid of Thursdays and Fridays now. People leave. 

Moazam chacha left. And I went back into the same spiral....like they have sound effects in movies....just like that.

Although all of us are physically and mentally placed in different zones But it feels like we all are stuck in the common sphere of venn diagram. Navigating through exact same emotions, processing exactly same things.

The last time me and chacha were together he had brought gifts and gave me a choice that choose (1) or (2) while I was thinking hard .....he'd smile and say "you know you can always choose BOTH" 

My eyes wide opened and I asked "heinnn is that even an option?" And he raised eyebrows like he always did instead of full nod.

I achieved some academic excellence some time earlier in life and he used to repeat it ....basically letting the other person know that he knows and is enjoying it. And then he would repeat it again n again. Not with a loud applaud but much like a silent cheerleader.

He told me "We had step-uncles and I must say all of them were nice to us. I must admit".

He told me things about my father I never knew, never could have deciphered, never could have de-coded.

Moazam Chacha we all are praying for you. ALLAH ki amaan mein.....

The Great Unravelling

 

It struck me on 27 Sept 2024. 7PM to be exact.

That my habit of going completely silent when I am upset with someone, is akin to that of Abbu's. 

He would often do that. He never spoke bad words for anyone. If somebody hurt him much he would go silent. Plain and Simple. No shenanigans. No tantrums. No absolute dramas. At All. And then he would also not talk about it. You'd never know what hurt him unless 1) you're a keen obeserver Or 2) he lets you in. With 02 being rare. I think out of us 04 I am the one who has had a glimpse of what he felt about certain things. But then I was told not to say it out loud....Ever!

It is funny that I never did dig deep to my personality ....it just dawned on me, out of nowhere, that I am his version of deep emotions (sorrow, love, anger, being a backup for someone for ever). What else dawned on me was: all 04 of us have something, some peculiar traits of Abbu.

Hiba has abbu's love for photography, Sarah has his 4D vision, she can assess life and situations in general in a split second. 

Wardah is all abbu. Her mannerism and public dealing is all Abbu. She has that softness for general masses, careful selection of words, analytical and logical reasoning. She will pump you up when you are at your lowest. Just like him!

Plea of a daughter

 Qurrato aini bika ya Rasool ALLAH s.a.w

17 Sept 2024/Tuesday/12 Rabi ul Awwal

Salawaat Ya Khatam un nabiyen

Salawaat Ya Rahmat al lil Alameen

This year....I can only offer salam and request 02 things. 

Nobody knows better than you....life of a orphan....A lifeless life... Aam ul huzn....this year has taken away my soul. The life has suddenly become void. Nothingness has sucked the soul right out of me. I am bound to say I am raazi in GOD's will. But I am only human. Ya Rasool ALLAH (s.a.w) my father has taken good care of us. Four daughters. Please do take care of him. Abundantly. Till qayamat is upon us and hereafter begins. And even after it. Give all the credit of our good work to my father and do not hold him accountable for any of my wrong doings. He recalled you as being the reformist, economist and the kind-hearted soul in the rigid climate of Arab. Please take my plea into your kind consideration and be his kind-hearted guardian till akhirah Ya Rasool ALLAH s.a.w.....your one look can change the dynamics of this world and the hereafter for us. You are Imam ul Anbiya, Rahmat ul lil Alameen. You are Mahboob e Rabb ul Maghraben and Rabb ul Mashraqen.

Qurrato aini bika Ya Rasool ALLAH s.a.w

Life of a Phoenix

 Q: Why do I have skin lax on my face?

Ans: Because I live a life of a phoenix.

I die everyday. Death is gifted to me by people who surround me and people who love me.

I didn't choose this life. 

I will never again choose this life.

I will never choose the same set of people I have met in this life.

My skin can never recover from scars and stress I have endured.

I was focused on survival. 

My life is a gift in itself. A wrapped wrinkled gift.

Dreams are made of whatever you're lacking in life

 

I don't think we wish for things we really dream of. We wish for things we are deprived of or want back in life. That is what makes us crazy and go gaga about stuff.

While I was reading "Tuesdays with Morris" I wondered that how fantastic the idea was. I wondered how to execute such an obscure wish of mine and how to go about it.

Little did I know I will regret everything from the past 05/06yrs for all the wrong reasons.

I regret not recording Abbu's conversations with our trip to Banni. I regret not saying enough. I regret not journalling back then. I regret not photographing him enough. I regret not hugging him enough.

I dream of having a dream rendezvous with my father dearest repeatedly. I want to have endless conversations with him only. I miss the wit and I miss the sarcasm. I miss everything about you Abbu. To the point that it gets difficult to breathe.

To the wishful thinking!

To anything which makes dream true!

Forever and beyond.....

Xoxo

Asif ki beti

I might be okay but I am not fine at all

 

Abbu!

Every day is a struggle if I tell you the truth. 

You are not visiting me often.....I can't breathe. I miss you every second of every day. There are things....things which I need to tell you, discuss with you.

I miss your wit, your sarcasm.....your everything. The very end of bohri bazar, Haji shah dargah takes me back in time and I long for your company. People are weird. I wondered how you survived. You didn't tell me any of it....except for the very lil part during last yr.

One thing which keeps me going is that ALLAH gave me You as a father and I enjoyed every bit of it. I wish we meet sooner and in happier times. I am paralyzed by the time. Can't wake up in morning only to not find you and come back later from work only to stop myself from running to your room.

I don't watch funny reels on Instagram now. I can't share with you now so I have stopped watching also. 

Miss you abba!

More than what you can imagine.

Never knew that breathing is a struggle other than Asthma....but even that was short lived for me.

Sept 11, 2024. Wednesday.

Heaviest good bye 8 July2024

 

Abbu......

It will be heaviest and hardest moving On exercise I will undertake this July.

I can't breathe. 

It seems as if the core of people have no mercy.....you told me that already I know I knowwwww

I am taking axe to all the mended fences Abba. 

Why? Well because Fuck it if I don't have you nothing else makes sense now.

The altruism, good moral character, courtesy is all I don't care about now. Will exercise for you only BUT the sense of everything is lost.

2 plus 2 is not 4 anymore. 

Asif - Choti s version

 

Abbu,

I am going in the bathroom you used to go.... pacing.... trying to see any glimpse of you....trying to smell your fragrance....

I was scared to loose you ever. And I did loose you Abba!

You know what Abba, I just realized that you were not same post 1997/1998. Like I have seen 02 very different versions of you. I remember I sat down in car and I told I have learnt spelling of "Cat" veryyyyy proudly.... and you "hmm-ed" your usual hmm. With eyes wide open and a slight twinkle. 

What is it? You asked.

See-ay-tee (C....A....T) I replied fully turned towards you. And you said, "hona toh kay ay tee chahye C se cat kaise hogai"

I said, Cake b toh hai.....you replied "wo b ghalat hai". And then you paused waited for my answer. I never had any. 

You were expecting something funny.....I regret I didn't say anything funny that hot summer day, as we drove past cantonment gravyard on downward hill road. I am regretting it Abu. I should have talked more.I m feeking thirsty now.

Feelings and desires have a strange thirst, it keeps pinching you in gut and doesn't go away....no matter what you do.

I am amazed when people tell me that Asif didn't use to talk much. I want to tell them about all the talks we had. You told me not to tell stuff....so I am quiet. See! I can keep stuff to myself. Please come back for once and see that I can do that.

It is hard to wake up thinking that you are not here. Even harder to think that you ll never be. 

Abbu you have taken away a part of me. How long a person can live with half a heart?

Asif ki beti

Asif ki chhoti

Xoxo forever.

The day world lost it's gravity

 13 June 2024

 Thursday (Early morning)

I am calling you abbu and you're not picking up .....my worst nightmare is Live now.

Whose leftover I will eat now? What do you think....Who will I give my daily update to. Who will I have endless Misc conversations with. 

What will happen to our heart to heart rendezvous.

We have been through stuff together and I was still ready to hold on to you....why'd you had to leave? You were ready to go perhaps and I wasn't ready to let go off of you.

I don't know about others but the core of my being is gone. 

I am still following you around.

You said, "People will say stuff But you will do what I say". And I agreed to it Abu. Why'd you leave then? It looked as if you wanted to go and that kills me. I tried my level best to not interrupt you ever.

We were A-team. The best team. The go-getters. The fun ones. 

You were the best father.....you still are. A gentleman in a world full of Men. There is a tangent to our equation no-one will ever understand. I have heard Greek stories abu depicting what we were going through. Your piko misses you Abbu. I miss Calls/Messages. 

Feelings Unlimited (02)

 Well part 01 was never published so..... here we go.

What do we associate with events in earlier part of our lives becomes totally different as we grow older. 

Connotations as I call them.

Funerals for example, become a place of meet ups, catch ups. It is strange, as a child funeral is something which scares you. You try and avoid it all costs. They have, sadly, become the new norm. You see people smiling out of joy, for the sake of long lost relationship that you had with somebody....and for some odd reasons you couldn't keep up with and them BAM you all meet at a funeral. For a second your totally forget why you're there (wherever you are geographically) and reminisce the old utopian feeling. 

You travel back in time and you cherish the very life you once had......at someone's funeral (i.e. end of life).

Also, sometimes you walk back into an old house after ages and your body feels Exactly as it felt in 1990 s or early 2000 s.....i.e. the last time you set your foot into that place at much happier times. You notice that everything has changed and this confuses you even more.

It is very likely that at death of someone you start missing someone else. Feelings, I tell you are funny things.

One also sees that there are so many people who are connected to you with an invisible string. How? 

Well....

You all have been somewhere at exactly the same time periods in your lives without ever crossing paths. In different eras. In different time zones. In different circumstances. 

You start becoming humanized. You start knowing who was your circle, square or your triangle initially. 

You also witness the outgrowth of each other from eachother s lives.

You witness the grand picture in the past and the future ....all in one frame.

It is strange. Events feel different at different ages.